Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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