I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
