College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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