i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
