I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
