the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
