hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Still dying that you shit outside
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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