You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
