there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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