yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
