Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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