Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize