New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
