Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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