I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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