hell yes lets make some ravioli
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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