I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My day in three words: secret purse cake
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
