you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
