I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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