her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
