My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
