i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
