Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
