Semen is not good for contacts.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
