He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
