she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
3pm strippers are depressing
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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