i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
