I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
