I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
