I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just high enough for therapy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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