I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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