oh god the rape fog is back!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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