i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
