I cannot find my penis.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
