apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
