We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize