Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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