If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
