If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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