Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
