Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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