I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
