my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
