exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
