yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
