Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
