Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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