theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
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