ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
