I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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