Moan for me like Helen Keller
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
