I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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