I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
