The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Girls should come with a carfax report
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
