3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
