Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
