he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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