Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
