then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
