Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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