time to smoke my breakfast
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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